Not my “McDonald’s” Review

Micky Dees, my bro. McDicks, mah homeslice. My friend when I’m down, my pal when I’m hungry, and the one that will never fail to meet me at every corner of any street.
I share a deep relationship with McDonald’s; I support it financially, and it supports me emotionally. As an avid consumer, I was curious to see what others thought of my fast-food lover. But when I searched up the Yelp reviews on the McDonald’s on Granville Street, I was a bit appalled to see all the impertinent responses:


There were numerous tales of harrowing experiences, like

“employees preemptively [taking] off the [monopoly] stickers” on a customer’s “large fries to go”.


A customer vehemently expressed their urge to physically assault “whoever runs this McDs”


and one customer even caught an employee red-handed, “choking” the “chicken” on a mysterious lard-filled bucket.


Yet, amidst the angry comments, one admirably extensive essay stood out from the rest. This Yelper praised this McDonald’s with a spiritual passion, glorifying the restaurant like it were a godly entity. I won’t be able to provide the review as a whole, but I’ll highlight the essentials.
The reviews begins:


She later on calls the McDonald’s an “absolutely fine dining experience”, which, I must admit, is something I’ve never associated any fast-food restaurant with. She continues to describe her meal, breaking each food item up like a three course meal.


An appetizer.

And for the main courses, she orders a Big Mac and Quarter Pounder with Cheese. The Yelper describes the patties in the Big Mac like a naked lover on a bed of rose petals, saying that the “patties were cooked perfectly on a bed of charred lettuce”.  The McChicken Sauce was “skillfully made”, and the dish in its entirety “had many dimensions and texture”. The side dish– the poutine– wasn’t just a side dish. It wasn’t even poutine, as I guess this “element” rose above her poutine standards. It was a “unique gastronomic take on a poutine”. Chills.


Oh! But this Yelper isn’t done yet. There is still dessert, of course.


… and as you know by now, she goes on to dissect the meal into extraordinary details.

Alas, this reviewer completely trumps my love for McDonald’s, as it truly pales in comparison to her’s.
To sum this article up, I will end with her words:


I feel emotionally worn now. Time to tuck myself into bed and dream about the Value Menu.

I give this review:






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